Confessions of an Ex-F*ckboy
“Time to heal our women, be real to our women / And if we don’t we’ll have a race of babies / That will hate the ladies that make the babies.” There might not be a more famous line from Tupac’s entire catalog — yet it took me 20 years to fully understand it.
Depending on who you ask, you might hear that I’m a womanizer who manipulates women, or a gentleman who respects women as equals. Both are true. But those truths represent very different points in my life. I love women, but it would be a lie to claim that I’ve always treated them well, whether mentally, sexually, or emotionally.
I didn’t notice my problematic behavior until my early twenties, and even then, I didn’t acknowledge it; I just accepted it and kept doing my thing. When I reached 25, though, I started to connect the dots, and realized my relationships with women weren’t the best, in part because I’d mimicked the actions of the men around me for years.
I apologize to the women of my past; it was never their job to teach me how to treat them. Their lessons did not fall on closed ears.
Many of us had been taught to treat women like possessions, to approach them as challenges. We get jealous if the women we’re dating merely speak to other men, but we expect them to forgive us for actually cheating. We expect them to have a low number of sexual partners, while we rack up a body count longer than Grey’s Anatomy. We don’t want them to need us, yet we want them to listen to everything we say.
Honestly, it’s all bullshit.
And now, I’m aware of the bullshit. If I believe the saying, “If you know better, you do better,” shouldn’t I change on the spot? It’s not that simple. Years of environmental conditioning have embedded this way of thinking too deeply for that. And it bothers me more than I can put into words.
But in order to reverse that conditioning, I had to resist it. My brain works well with lists, so I made a checklist of questions to hold myself accountable, and actually become the change I wanted to see.
1. When it comes to body count, why the double standard? Twitter always makes jokes about how men will have sex with hundreds of women. But is that fair? We expect women to be “pure” and save themselves for us, so we don’t have to feel we share a woman’s attention or body with another man. It may bother you, but it’s not on her to cater to your insecurity, especially when you expect her to not react to your number of partners.
2. Am I taking emotional advantage? Men love to communicate through miscommunication, confusing women in order to avoid accountability. It’s like giving directions in Spanish, knowing damn well you only speak English — then blaming you once you get lost. I still struggle with this, but I am continuously making an effort to improve.
3. Am I passing on problematic behavior to young boys? I have four nephews ranging from 18 months to 16 years old. They look up to me and come to me when they need advice — and that advice is often about women. (Well, not the 18-month-old just yet.) I make sure to teach them the lessons I’ve learned from my own mistakes. I tell them about my past actions; there’s no need to act holier-than-thou when I’ve been in their shoes. I tell them that I made mistakes in the past, and how I try to correct myself and others around me. I stress to them the importance of gender equality and, above all, that genuine friendships are essential and require consideration and respect. I even talk to them about colorism, because it’s important when speaking about how we respect Black women and other women of color.
I keep this checklist in mind when I interact with women, but I wouldn’t have gotten to this point if it wasn’t for the women I’ve met over the years, the ones who partnered with me on various ‘ships — whether relation-, situation-, or friend- — and called me out on my shit. I also apologize to the women of my past; it was never their job to teach me how to treat them. Their lessons did not fall on closed ears: As a man who now knows better, I know it is my responsibility to teach and spread the knowledge to other men so that women don’t have to keep assuming that responsibility like they did with me.
I’m thankful for my current relationship. My partner and I often speak about proper communication; how we need to be heard and how we best listen. She’s patient with me and takes her time to help me (even at my “big age,” as she would say) to continue my growth and unlearn the behaviors of my past environment.
To do better by women, you need to start with you. Take time to reflect on your actions, figure out how you can do better — and, more importantly, teach better.
It’s up to us to make a better us.
