Rape Culture for Dummies
I’ve often said if we want to end rape culture, it starts with men. That is not just because men are usually the assaulters in most reported sexual assaults. It is because we, men, aren’t as aware of how patriarchy has negatively affected us — resulting in our violent behavior sexually.
Throughout history, we have determined a man’s “worth” or “manliness” based on his aggression and lack of emotion. This ideology also applies to our sex lives. Men aren’t taught adequately about sex; for example, it’s told to us that sex isn’t something we do with women but something we do TO women. We treat sex as an accomplishment and less of a natural act of pleasure and life-bearing experience. Though men benefit from patriarchy, everyone is hurt by it and, in most cases, women especially. I’ve mentioned in my previous writings that we, men, are not taught to love appropriately. Treating women as equal partners is something we were not encouraged to do.
The inequality and gender roles caused by patriarchy lead us to take on heavier loads than need be. Still, at the same time, it doesn’t allow us to express the frustration and instability that comes with the pressure unless it is through anger.
With promoting aggression and unhealthy sexual habits as keys to manhood, we mix the two and pursue women as a sport or competition. Most men want the chase so much; we would rather coerce a woman into having sex with us than to have her willingly approach us wanting to have sex. We use sex as something to hold over women’s heads as a power move. We are shaming them from being sexual creatures and leaving us to pursue them. If a woman openly wants to have sex with us without using what some of us call “game,” we then categorize her as a “hoe” or “whore”, weaponizing sex against women. We want them to “respect themselves,” so they continue to make sex an objective for us to complete or a trophy to earn. If we treat sex as a sport, then that would make a woman the prize, and a title never has to give their consent to be obtained.
The misunderstanding of sex and learning to express ourselves with aggression shows in our language. We use words like “beat,” “hit,” “smash.” Some even use phrases of sports like “I scored” or a newer one in selected areas, which refer to women as “a kill” referencing hunting (trust me, that one throws me off as well). Treating sex this way not only deprives men of actually enjoying sex with a partner, but it also leads us to force into sex, resulting in harassment, assault, and rape.
When we hear words like “rape,” “rapist,” or “sexual assault/harassment,” we usually forget what falls under those categories. We’ll use a word like “rapey” to give ourselves some grace. It helps us find comfort in the acts we know are wrong without holding ourselves and our peers accountable because it flirts with the line of “not being rape.” Let’s just call it what it is, though; harassment, coercion, assault, and sometimes just full-blown rape. We rarely look at ourselves, our past or our surroundings to see that our actions are what contribute to rape culture. Even as children, we’ve been groomed to accepting rape culture without realizing it.
I remember growing up, a game to play was “catch a girl, freak a girl.” For those unfamiliar, imagine tag with girls vs. boys where the boys are all “it,” but instead of us tapping your opponent, we grab the girls and dry hump them. I know it sounds crazy now, but that was all the rage in summer camp. Looking back now, it saddens me to realize not only was I trained to take part in rape culture, but I was also helping perpetuate it at such a young age and had no knowledge of it.
One of my favorite movies, The Wood, is a coming to age film about 3 Black teens growing up in Inglewood, California. A well-known scene consists of where a friend dared the protagonist to smack the butt of a female classmate. That resulted in her brother coming to the school to defend her (a topic for another day). We found this scene to be hilarious, but it shows how we normalized men using sex as a form of entertainment or game, and women are the losers every time.
Later in the film, the friend admitted to him assaulting the classmate because “she was pretty.” That compliment, in a way, eased things over. That translates to us that being perceived as a “nice guy” excuses us from being held responsible for our “rapey” actions.
When we speak of men who consider themselves to be nice guys or gentlemen, we tend to believe that because we’re polite or respectful that they deserve a woman’s time and energy. We don’t see that we still feel entitled to women through negative or positive actions. We’ll sometimes see a woman walking alone and insist on “walking her home” to keep her safe, not realizing one of two things 1) you’re making her feel unsafe because she doesn’t know you from Adam, and 2) She didn’t ask you to walk her home. Though (we think) we’re trying to do the right thing, the lack of consideration or regard for her feelings and only thinking about our perception is disregarding her feelings. Some men even feel their good deeds automatically makes them worthy of a woman’s attention and, even more, her body. I’ve not only heard the phrase “she owes me,” referencing feeling that sex was earned but not received, but I’ve also used it; numerous times.
Women have experienced harassment, and sexual assault more than men acknowledge or realize. With that said, we’ve probably have harassed or assaulted women before. Rather coercion or intimidation disguised as “game” or “taking charge,” these are all typical forms of rape culture that men take part in typically. A friend of mine asked me once, “how many times do you think a woman has had sex with you based on the fear that you’d react with violence if she didn’t?” The question caught me off guard because I never in my life have been violent with a woman. Still, as I thought more, I remember instances where a woman may be staying with me trying to sleep, and I’m assuming she wants me to make a move instead of genuinely thinking she wants to sleep. After talking to women, they’ve admitted to having sex with men just to “get some sleep” or “keep the peace.” They originally planned on enjoying the company of a man without sex. Still, once the pressure comes, they remember the stories or experiences of men attacking women and figure it’s better to allow it than to fight it.
Also, for the men that understand these concepts and know that rape culture is deeply rooted in our everyday life, not many men speak up about it, myself included. We have instances where our friends are too touchy or aggressive with a woman, somewhat sexually or violently. In most of those situations, we don’t appropriately react though we know it’s wrong. The lack of response most times comes from us knowing we have probably taken part in those same acts before. No matter if it was ten years ago or ten days ago, we don’t want our card to be pulled and come to terms with our actions and contribution to the assault and harassment of women. The truth is if you are honestly pushing for a change in the world, starting with yourself is a big step, but the most significant is enforcing the people around you. If holding someone accountable results in the instances where you were the root of the assault brought to the light, that’s a moment to practice what you preach and hold yourself accountable for your actions. Be the example of what you want to see instead of letting the cycle continue to hide from your transgressions.
“The injured have no blame. Let it fall on those who injure.” — Assata Shakur
We hear people say “protect your daughters” when referring to rape and assault. We also have people who rightfully respond with “teach your sons.” I feel teaching and protecting both sons and daughters is what is needed. Protect our son’s from the notion that aggression and love are not the same but instead make it safe for them to express emotions healthily. Teach them women have just as much right to a healthy sex life as they do, and a woman’s “no” doesn’t translate to “try harder” as a way to live up to society’s standards of what a man should be. Protect our daughters from the world that treats them like prizes and property and make sure not to perpetuate that they have to play the role of prey to a man’s part of predator. Teach them the power of “yes” in sexuality. We’ve spent decades denying women access to their bodies and sexuality. Using tactics like slut-shaming and outfit policing to make women feel that they can’t be secure in their sexuality or even who they are. We need to continue to teach our daughters that their “yes” to sex is just as important as our sons, so, as a society, we can realize that their right to turn away sex is equal to their right to accept.
I’ll end with this; rape culture is more in-depth than we realize, and it plagues all of us every day. Eliminating it first starts with accepting our part and holding ourselves accountable. I hope these words help some people, specifically us men, think about their contributions and what they can do better to counteract their actions. I know I had to come to terms with my actions, which are the reason why I’m working on teaching from my experiences. I’m just praying it makes a difference.
